When Hell Calls

A dive into despair — that’s hell on earth.

I can feel the water getting higher around my heart. My soul becomes an echo of pain. There is no escape. The only way through it is to feel it, see it, motivate it to carry on and get away from me.

Despair by definition is the complete loss or absence of hope.

Absence of hope = hell on earth.

There is no greater suffering than that agony. It feels like there is nothing good left to fight for. It feels like I’ve lost and there is only hopelessness around me.

I’d like to vomit each time I think of one of these bouts. They’re a serious threat to everything good.

I’ve learned to manage my time there. Better said, God has taught me how to get out of despair. I turn my voice to Him. I scream out the betrayal I feel. I plead my case before Him and remind Him that I’m feeling lost, broken and alone.

Sometimes, ok, a lot of the times I scream, “F*ck you!” That’s right — to God. Sometimes it’s the only thing I’ve got.

I have to get it out of me. I have to tell Him how unfair my life has been and how the destiny that He put before me is fading into loss. I need Him desperately in those moments.

I’m gripped by terror as I feel the tears rip down my face, not knowing when they will end. A seemingly endless rush of grief.

And, then, I remind myself this is momentary. It too shall pass. The fastest way through, is not to stop it but give into it. Scream. Cry. Feel the betrayal.

PAIN!

I tell those around me, if they’re too close, I’ll be back and okay tomorrow, but today I am not okay.

And, I carry on. Until I’m done it feels like the earth is standing still.

Then, God meets me. Right there in my despair. In this case, He returned an old friend to me that I needed in that moment. She called and I picked up the phone. “Breathe,” I heard her say.

It was just what I needed.

These are the times that, too, are very needed. It’s fine to fear them, but don’t leave before you’ve expelled the pain. Cry out to God and tell Him exactly what you’re feeling. Don’t keep any emotion, thought or word hidden from Him. He already knows what you’re thinking, feeling and want to say.

The reason you scream it out to Him, is so He can show you!

Originally published at http://prisonerbynocrimeofmyown.com on September 22, 2021.

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Incest. Murder. Rape. Then, I turned four. This is my story.

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Jodie Tedder

Jodie Tedder

Incest. Murder. Rape. Then, I turned four. This is my story.

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