Trembling with Anxiety
It is a funny phenomena — I was never really scared of the outside world. My deepest fears always lived inside homes. That’s where I have always been hurt.
I remember my counselor and I discussing how to keep myself safe. We’d run through different scenarios — like waking up and having an intruder in your house. This had happened to him. I told him I’d use my mind. Then, I shared that I slept with my dresser in front of my bedroom door (I was in my forties and lived alone). I remember Redmond being a bit puzzled, and then said, “Oh, you still fear what’s inside of your house. “ Then we chatted about my father’s age and so on — as a reminder that those days were gone.
Fear is a funny thing, isn’t it. The danger can be long gone but when it lasts an entire childhood, there is a print imbedded deep within you that screams you are not safe. It is triggered entirely too easy for me sometimes.
You know that courage and fear can co-exist? This is how I’ve lived most of my adult life.
Lord, today, I pray that you remind me that I have all the tools I need to stay safe, to live in harmony with you and others. Remind me often that as I I revisit my past for various things, that those days are over. Forever. The family of origin that I came through can no longer hurt me.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Originally published at https://prisonerbynocrimeofmyown.com on April 6, 2023.
