My Dearest Daughters,
I thank you and respect your letter of last week. Here’s my reply.
Memory can be kind, and memory can be cruel. Unfortunately, both are true. The one thing that remains is this: cutting away the bad memories does indeed reveal and leave more room for the good ones.
With that the goal, let’s carry on.
Taking my word for what our past lives looked like with your father can never be a one-sided coin. There were three sides going on in that house every day. If you add the perspective of your father — that makes a four-sided coin.
Perspectives are valid, most often not too generous to torture and others invalidating of some truth, but nonetheless they are incredibly real, raw and needed.
Today is Brit’s 36 birthday. With each birthday party I planned, I dreamed for you girls. I prayed so many prayers of blessings over you both. Those prayers and dreams for you were not dashed entirely, yet held in a precious place in heaven until God could bring me up to speed. My healing had to happen so I could reach back and help show you the way.
My healing had to occur so that my sight could behold your pain, your struggles and your strengths.
Each of your births held difficulties and joy. Life is a complicated journey filled with pits, failures and hope. You each delivered to me a daily hope I could find no where else on earth.
My codependency to controlling abusive people often took over my will to escape. I know that cost you both more than I knew. I couldn’t see a way beyond it then. It seemed so wrong to look for evil in my husband. It seemed almost cruel to find fault in your father back then.
Wasn’t it my job to make him good enough for my precious babies?
My goal was to bring you a whole family that looked very different than the family I was born into. My strength in those days failed me at every turn. I prayed daily for our recovery from his cruelty and rejection.
What I didn’t realize then was the God breaks things apart. There isn’t always redemption in families. I didn’t want to believe that. I held tight to the believe that my faith was going to change your father and we would all be restored.
I’m so sorry for that. I hadn’t yet learned that God is a warrior that fights for His people. God’s sword brings division between good and bad, and that very sword brings peace between loved ones.
So, today, I again bring a prayer over you both. “Father God in Heaven, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. I pray that you be gracious to us and bless us. Make your face shine upon us. Be a father to my girls where now they are fatherless. Be a defender to them. Take their lonely places and set them in the way of a family.”
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
All love,
Momma
Originally published at http://prisonerbynocrimeofmyown.com on August 30, 2021.
