I have often wondered if God is guilty of neglecting me? What sin did I do to cause the abuse and pain that was shot into my life when I was born?
What atrocity had I done, when at 18, I married a man to find freedom from my prison — only to receive another 17 years of abuse from him to me and my children?
Why did God want to punish me with such suffering? Why did God allow this?
My heart has raced with such pain for years. Not finding answers, my anguish increased and my questions remained.
What had I done wrong to receive such shit?!
In my despair, I often painted a horrifying and incorrect picture of God. I can relate often to the book of Job in the bible. Job did the same thing when he spoke of God and said that God afflicts for no reason, overwhelms people with misery and destroys both the righteous and the unrighteous indiscriminately.
Job went on to say that God laughs at the pain of the innocent and allows injustice. Job had a fear of this tyrannical deity. Such fear of God that it almost forced Job to confess to sins he had not committed.
These are words of a despondent, discouraged human being. Of which I have been!
I understand Job’s musings. I also understand that sometimes it has seemed to me that the abusers seem to do better in life than I have. They’ve had nicer cars, houses and jobs. They’ve seemed free as they roam the streets looking for laughter and their next adventure.
What I am learning is that severe and sudden calamity is no more a sign of disfavor with God than sustained prosperity indicates God’s approval and blessing.
I have had my fair share of disappointment and pain. I’ve watched my children as they have struggled to rebuild a life that was torn and in need of repair.
I don’t blame God anymore and I don’t blame myself.
Bad shit happens to both the good and the evil. Just as the snow and rain falls on all of us, so also do the choices of man.
I believe that one day when the roll is called up yonder there will be an accountability. Of that I am most sure.
Until that day comes, I will leave the rest in the hands of a God that I know loves me. A God that I know cares for me. A God that I know is watching.