Mirror Mirror

Introspection — what better way to start a week.

Question: How do you perceive God? Who do you think He is?

It’s taken me most of my time on earth to understand his graceful, loving, forgiving nature. Time and time again I find myself asking Him to forgive me.

His answer — I already have.

Jesus’ life and death made a new covenant between God and His people. It reconciled the disconnect and brought to us an inner peace of reconciliation.

Coming through sexual crimes as a child I had a great disturbance birthed in me because I somehow believed I was part of the sins I came through. Isn’t this shame? Owning what you didn’t do? While I know in my mind today I didn’t do it, it’s not that easy to separate ourselves from the abuser.

If I have accountability or collusion with the perps in my mind, I carry their burden. Let me state this in other words: As a child I was groomed for sexual abuse. Child reasoning and the persuasive words of the pedophile made me believe I needed that love, or I think It felt good and I wanted it, or I am part of the abuser and not separate.

So began my separation with God. My mind become hostile towards God because I believed He was judging me from the start.

I struggle with the concept that I am fully forgiven. That I did not murder that woman and it’s not my job to correct it — even though I want to. I am not a slave to abhorrent sexual desires because I was taught them. I also don’t have to be frigid and receive no comfort through sex.

My past will not win. Each day I see more of God.

Originally published at http://prisonerbynocrimeofmyown.com on May 16, 2022.

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Jodie Tedder

Jodie Tedder

Incest. Murder. Rape. Then, I turned four. This is my story.