Heart or Head Issue?

Did I need my head repaired through cognitive resources or was it more important for my heart to heal?

I don’t know if Jesus is in the business of mental health but I’m certain that He heals the brokenhearted and sets free the captive. I know this because I didn’t need my brain fixed, I needed my soul to stop bleeding. My heart ached for comfort — my soul longed to be still.

My brain was on overload constantly — tainted with rapes and murder. I know its now called hypervigilance. I call it survival! I appreciated the fortitude my mind gave me. It was all I had. Strong-minded I stood, when my oppressors took more than I had to give. Even when my body failed me and I lost consciousness, my mind worked overtime constructing a safety zone for my heart, my fears, my emotions.

I didn’t need a lobotomy, I needed heart surgery.

I dreamed of only one thing as a child, as a girl and later as a women: I wanted — scratch that — I needed the pain to subside. I didn’t care if it didn’t leave me entirely, I just needed to breath the air. A moment of peace. Undisturbed. Away from violence. I wanted to find peace, not because my mind was sick, but because my heart was.

I can remember believing with all my heart that love was something I would not look for. Love seemed to encourage abuse, it held captive the person it admired. It was sick, tainted and hurt you. The child in me equated commitment with being locked into a situation wherein there’s no escape.

So, I headed out on a journey to find kindness. Instead of saying, “I was damaged, broken and had trust issues,” I started saying: “I’m healing, I’m rediscovering myself, I’m starting again.”

Originally published at http://prisonerbynocrimeofmyown.com on May 21, 2021.

--

--

--

Incest. Murder. Rape. Then, I turned four. This is my story.

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

Theology, Worship, and the Arts: Blog #2

The Sack of the Capitol

God’s Grace Teaches Two Things

Challenging the Divine — Does Qur’anic Verse 4:34 Deliver a Free Pass for Muslim Men to Beat Their…

The unanswered questions.

John 4: Spirit and Truth

A new way of viewing my temptations and negative thoughts

The 40: Essential Tools for Maximum Impact

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Jodie Tedder

Jodie Tedder

Incest. Murder. Rape. Then, I turned four. This is my story.

More from Medium

Let’s Talk Current Economics

Humanity is like Sisyphus and his ridiculous rock.

Tengo mi insignia! / I just got my Planetary Defender badge!

Talking to my daughter about economy — by Yanis Varoufakis (Introduction and Chapter-1)