Glory in the Goal

Redeeming my past is a journey, not a destination. When I have memories return because I have allowed them free reign in my being now, it can be challenging.

Successful processing of traumatic memories allows you to say, “The traumatic event happened, it happened to me, and it is over now.

The Complex PTSD Workbook, Arielle Schwartz, Ph.D., Page108

Recalling the pain with the event can, most literally, take my breathe away.

They return at the most inappropriate times! It’s never a convenience but most often intrusive and unwanted. I suppose there is never a right time for them to return, is there?

Enjoying a glass of wine with a friend — and, right in the middle of our conversation, something triggers my mind to return to a scene. Seriously, now? I struggle to stay present.

Or this happens a lot to me: I run a hot bath, put in Epson salt, pour some beautiful bath bubbles that have a soothing aroma and then I sit down and prepare for a long, peaceful soak. Without warning I’m flooded with a flashback.

I guess I’d like to believe that God can and should just step in, wave His magic wand, and everything disappears like magic. I’m healed.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

The problem is that in the disappearing act wouldn’t all those pieces of me disappear, too? I would never learn who I am. God knows what I need much better than I. He doesn’t want me on auto-pilot my whole life. He also doesn’t want me in the tragedy zone forever, either.

What He does want is for my wholeness and restoration. For me to return to the place where He created me to be. He watched as my vulnerability was smashed time and time again.

God is a witness to the atrocities perpetuated against me and you!

He calls out to me each day reminding me that my hope is renewed every morning. I know I have a destiny using my pain as a stepping stone. I believe He created me to have a beautiful life — free and reaching for all that is good.

So, my notable achievements are in my daily journeys, in striving to move forward, forgetting the past as I can, and looking towards greater things.

That’s where my glory lives.

Originally published at http://prisonerbynocrimeofmyown.com on March 24, 2022.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Jodie Tedder

Jodie Tedder

Incest. Murder. Rape. Then, I turned four. This is my story.