From Atheism to Finding my Faith

2 min readMay 18, 2024

(Mere Christianity — C.S. Lewis)

As a child, I knew Jesus. I used to write to him in my diary, speak to him in my dreams, and navigate the world using the gift of discernment that He endowed me with. When I was being abused, I would imagine a very specific scenario on a grassy hillside, encircled by a group of other small children, dancing in a circle with Him. In my mind, I could retreat to the scene, and find comfort and relief from the horrors my physical body was facing.

But as I grew older, my contact with God faded. And once it started to fade, then it was easy for it to stay disrupted.

My extended only representation of Christianity and they were the sickest a lot of people I’ve ever met. Everything I saw in the Christian world told me that Jesus made no difference.

As my childhood abuse continued and my family dissolved, a deep pain fueled a vitriolic hatred against God and instability in my life started to grow.

During the next 20 years, I developed strong arguments to support my emotional resistance to belief and my retreat from God.

But God never abandoned me and the people who loved me never stop praying on my behalf.

On and off throughout the years, I read CS Lewis. Reading Lewis, I found something that I must have been quietly hungering for all along, which was a reasoned approach to my childhood beliefs, which had centered almost entirely on emotion.

As I turned the pages of this book, it became harder for me to ignore the Truth, nor turn my back on Him. Little by little, and inch by inch, I found my way back to Jesus.

I began praying, saying, “God, you know I do not believe in you, but I am in trouble and need help. If you are real, help me.” I prayed this prayer daily.

I kept reading the Bible, asking questions about what I was reading, and praying. Then, slowly, and amazingly, my faith grew and it eventually threatened to whelm my many doubts and unbelief.

Atheism is like walking through a dark tunnel with your own candle. You can see around you, but you don’t know which way to walk. Either way is dark. You’re still lost in the tunnel. Giving your life to Christ is being in the same tunnel, but you see a little light at one side of the tunnel. You know which way to stumble towards.

B 🤍

Originally published at on May 18, 2024.




We write openly about our very traumatic childhoods. Understanding. Understanding. Unquestionable understanding. That's the message God has for you always!