Dynamite the Dam

My counselor said the most beautiful words to me when he offered, “You are who you are, Jodie, because you’ve done the hard work that it takes.”

I have to tell you that doing the work doesn’t look like what I thought it would look like. I didn’t sit down with a cup of tea, fold my hands in prayer and in a tidy fashion set my pain before God.

I overdrank. I smoked. I bawled my eyes out. I was angry. I cussed. I still do.

I always wanted to be the small, thin blonde girl that was loved by her family, had a doting husband to fuss over her and have this gentle and kind disposition that wasn’t stained by abuse and pain.

I came from the wrong side of the tracks. Sometimes, I think I was on those tracks and got run over a few times.

Many of my bad habits have fallen away, some haven’t. The burden etched into the fiber of my soul stays with me in some forms. Oh, I am a far stretch from where I once was, but I’m not where I want to be.

Will I ever be where I want to be?

I can’t erase my past. Sometimes, I wish I could. I want to be someone other than who I am. You know, a Hallmark card.

Now, don’t get my wrong. I am so incredibly grateful for all that I have. I have a loving family and we’re strong. But, I’m still lonely sometimes. I hurt. I fall down.

This I know, some things this side of heaven I will never have. A father who whispers he loves me. A mother who gently caresses me and tells me she cares. Parents who told the truth to protect me. Not this side of heaven.

I still have struggles I need to burden through. I have a woman who I need to unearth and return to her family.

As a beautiful friend said, “If God brought me here, He’ll give me everything I need to get through.”

I believe He will.

It’s time once again to dynamite the dam of pain and suffering. It’s the only way through.

Originally published at http://prisonerbynocrimeofmyown.com on January 31, 2021.