Bits n’ B ~ Anonymous Advice

“Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience. You need experience to gain wisdom.” Albert Einstein

Together we are stronger.

Each week on Wednesday we will begin answering anonymous emails received at BitsnB1218@gmail.com. I’ve received many anonymous comments through the years. Two young men, both the age of 24, have emailed. I will start with this one.

“Jodie, I love your blog, I want to share you my story.

First of all, I’m GC, 25 years old, a guy from Paraguay.

I must confess to you that I dont know if my father is evil, or it has a kind of cognitive impairtment that makes him be more ruthless or do evil acts. He is not the most clearly person out there… it really seems like a slow person, with some cognitive impairtment.

However, I want to tell you what happened.

In the first year of my life, my father burned cigarrettes in the arm of my mother, saying that he will be kill her. He was always violent and abusive to her.

When I grew up, my father was the center of our home. My mother is kind and good, but it romanticized a lot the idea of love and love as suffering: so she endured to be with him.

I was always distant of my father, I never really loved him. I didnt want to be with him. He has some nasty ideas, like a nazi. He hated jews, jew women, indigenous people, etc. All his moral was wrong, and perverted. He wanted us to be “religious” in the sense of “going to church” and just obey, without questioning. He mocked we started to use spirituality as a way to scape our situation.

Eventually, he became violent or depressed, and he is always the most unhappy person I meet. He used to break personal items, like books from my mother, and criticized her when she has interest outside of him (like studying a language, or becoming fascinated with a book of really deep poetry)

In the birthday of one of my grandfathers, we were all in home, and he said she was a whore who used a lot of make up for their lovers. Then, he took a perfume and throw it to the floor, breaking it, saying “the house wasn’t clean enough”.

Then, he went to the patio and peed in the pool, so we had to refill the water all again. My mother that day finally make him go away of the house, and then they broke (their marriage.)

A lot of people say I became a better person, less nervous, and more confident, when he just went out of the house.

Well, they broke the marriage but didn’t divorce. He threatened to burn the house and kill her. (Violent seems to be his answer to everything.)

I cant trust him, Jodie. I feel he has no empathy for any person alive, and it will always be like that. Its his form of existing.

He eventually keep visiting our house, years laters. He used to mock our precautions against covid, and proposed to my brother and me illegal business. The last time I saw him he tried to make my brother waste his money in a proyect that would “benefit him” saying it would be for him, for his good, at the end.

When he proposed me the same business, I shouted and said to him I didnt wanna participate in nothing that was going to do with him, never. Then, he went out. When he wasnt there, my mother said to me I was overreacting. Then, my body itself just expelled the truth: He put his fingers in my annus when I was a child.

I had this realization in High school, I tell this sometimes to different people, but then I just keep dissociating myself, and ignore this fact of keeping myself alive. I had a lot of anxiety (difficulty standing still without moving) nightmares, and etc.

I was just making up those memories? The was didnt happened? There were just memories after all, and I could’t recall the exact incident, what age I were when it happened…

I never tell anyone in my family about the memories of sexual abuse, until that day (this year) to my mom, and then my brother, and my maternal aunt. But, hear this:

The last year, when it was my 24th birthday, my father sent me a letter about he was proud of me, and etc. Also, in the letter was a small paper who said those words: “Son, sorry for what I did to your annus”. Really? In that moment, I was still dissociated, so I let him pass.

But now, I can’t just going back to my state of dissociation. All the clues implies the abuse really happened… and I started therapy. Also I had a flashback of raw terror “seeing” his face (in the flashback) and a nightmare about him. I feel this really happened, but my emotions of the event are dissociated. When I recall some parts of the abuse, its like seeing in it as a third person, not feeling it in myself.

Do you think I need to dig deeper in the emotional aspects of the memories for healing?

I just cut all contact with him. I feel he is not a father. The person I kept the illusion about being my father is gone. He could be evil, he could have a cognitive impairtment (who made him loose control?) but at the same time he knew everything, and didn’t say nothing when he was living in the hourse, because it wasn’t convenient to him. When he was there, he was power. No he has no power, and his last rsource was this “forgiveness”.

I feel this man is a shell, devoid of life. He really is a sociopath, or something very difficult… I dont want to have to carry the weight of his actions. Everyperson has his own life. If I dont want to see him more (or just communicate /see him a lot of less) its a valid choice for self preservation… what do you think?

I feel people like my father… really didnt change. They never do.

I want to be more compassionate, loving, and full of emotions with people. But I dont conceive that being good its the same than being stupid. He already demostrated his selfishness using his fingers sexually with me… and keeping the secret WILLINGLY and CONSCIOUSLY (why, if not, did he remembered it?)… I can’t trust him in any aspect, and every emotional envolvement will be a trap or a recipe of disaster…. Or that is what I Feeling.

I can forgive him: In fact, I forgive him. He can be cruel, or very dumb, or anything else. But I just want to move forward in my life, Jodie, even if that implies going away from him (who didnt live more with us, fortunately!)

Well, thats my story. Thank you for reading! And I wait for your comments about this : )

All the best.”

Email from GC

Dear GC:

I am so thankful to hear from you. This is why I write my blog. Because I care for each of us that have gone through these miserable times in life. Incest is very real and destroys its victims.

I am glad you’re doing ok. By that I mean, you’re still standing. I understand the struggle. Please believe in yourself and trust that God is with you. He can bring you strength and restore you to a place before your father hurt you.

Trust what your body is telling you. Have you read the book, The Body Keeps the Score? It is a wonderful book that explains our body holds on to our hurts and helps our minds know that the abuse DID HAPPEN to us. All of us want to believe it didn’t happen. You can be sure that it did. Your body is telling you it did. Your mind is not deceiving you. The truth is very hard to see.

You ask me, “Do you think I need to dig deeper in the emotional aspects of the memories for healing?” Yes, yes — 100 times, yes. Pray and ask God to help you continue to see the facts of your childhood. It is the way for them to begin easing up. Your mind knows what your heart needs to heal, you must go back and revisit them — see the truth and then the mind eases away from the memory.

You are stating accurately about your father and his disposition in life. You do not need to stay by him to forgive him. I kind of easily forgave my family, too, but when I stayed by them — in contact with them, my heart and emotions were full of disruption. When I stay away from them, I am safe and free.

Love to you, GC. God loves you and is with you.

You will be and are a loving man, I can tell. You do not hold onto anger you simply want freedom. Me too.

Grow, heal and love boldly.

God is with you.

All love!

Bits n’ B

Originally published at https://thepedophilehuntress.com on March 6, 2024.